Meaningful Motherhood episode 6: Jess Caire

Meaningful Motherhood episode 6: Jess Caire

How do you think it would impact your family to spend one week of every month living in another state, away from your husband and children?

This is the lifestyle of this week’s Meaningful Motherhood podcast guest, Jess Caire, who lives in Queensland with her family, but runs her business in South Australia.

I first met Jess earlier this year when she interviewed me on a panel at a women’s business conference, and later featured me on her Conversations With Jess blog. So it was great to turn the tables in this interview and be able to ask Jess to answer the questions instead. I was super-keen to chat to Jess about her experience of living across two different states while raising a young family, but what I found through this interview was that Jess had SO MUCH more to say about motherhood, and how her various life experiences have shaped her parenting decisions.

In this episode we chat about:

* how Jess flipped her life from being the wife of a FIFO husband, to being the FIFO-er herself, and how this made life exponentially better for her, her husband and her children.

* her experience with postnatal depression and adrenal fatigue

* why she hates the phrase “work-life balance”

* the impact of social media and “comparisonitis” for mothers and the importance of letting go of perfection

*  how a life-threatening accident on the Kokoda Track last year changed her view of motherhood and life in general

* why slowing down and “making space”

As always, I’d love to hear what you thought of the episode, so feel free to let me know what you think. Don’t forget to share with anyone else you think might enjoy this episode.

Cheers, Sarah xx

 

Meaningful Motherhood Episode 5: What to do about the mental load of motherhood?

Meaningful Motherhood Episode 5: What to do about the mental load of motherhood?

Have you heard of the “mental load”?

If you’re a mother, chances are you’re already bearing the brunt of it, whether you know it or not.

Today’s podcast episode is out and I’m talking all about the mental load – what it is, but more importantly, what we can do about it.

Feel free to listen below:

If you don’t have time to listen to the full episode, here’s a few brief notes from what we cover in the episode:

What is the mental load?

The mental load is the name given to all those invisible mental tasks we undertake, on behalf of our families, to keep our household running like a well oiled machine. We’re not talking here about mopping the floors, packing school lunches and washing load upon load of laundry each week. Rather, what we’re talking about is all the stuff we keep in our head – such as remembering to sign and return excursion forms by the due date, thinking about whether you’ve got enough squeezie yoghurts to get through the week, and figuring out what Christmas gift to buy your children’s teachers. The stuff that Mums have running around their heads 24/7.

Even if we have partners who do an equal share of the practical house and kid work, it’s likely one of you has taken on the role of “organiser” and it’s likely that person is you – the mother.

It’s constant, and it’s exhausting. It’s also what can change our experience of motherhood from one that’s fulfilling, meaningful and enjoyable, to one that is frustrating and impactful on our wellbeing. It’s time for us to start offloading some of that mental load, for the sake of our own wellbeing, and that of our family.

This concept of the mental load isn’t new, but it’s something that has come to the forefront of our discussions recently, thanks to this cartoon.

However, what I’ve found is that so much of the discussion is, to be honest, a bit of a whinge-fest. Yes, it’s important that this issue is brought to light and discussed, but we need to do more than whinge. We, as women, need to have practical, actionable steps we can take to help ease this mental load.

So here’s the four steps I outlined that we can take to start addressing the mental load.

 

1: Acknowledge it

Start to become a bit more aware of just how much mental load you take on – you can even keep a journal for a day or two if you want

Chat to your partner/husband about it – explain what the load is, how much it’s constantly on your mind, and how it impacts your wellbeing.

Remember, this is just step one – you stiill have to take action – just knowing about it is not enough.

2: Offload what you can

Sit down with your husband (and kids!) and as a family, figure out how you can better share the mental load tasks around – in other words, delegate!!

Think about each of your individual strengths or circumstances and figure out what tasks could be offloaded, and to whom – don’t forget to offload age appropriate tasks to the kids. This also includes offloading some practical “work” tasks to others, to give you a bit more time to manage the mental load, if you’re not able to offload much of that.

What can be done together as a family? Maybe instigating a regular family meeting can help open the lines of communication, and take some of the responsibility of running the family away from Mum.

Remember – when it comes to delegation, you should “Expect More, but Accept Less” – so you can expect others to take on more of the tasks of the household, but you also have to be willing to accept that they might not do it as well, or in the exact same way as you. Just remember – “different” doesn’t necessarily mean “bad”!

3: Do less, and KISS (Keep It Simple Stupid)

Take some time to figure out if and how your family is over-scheduled. What can you remove from your week/month/yearly schedule? Where can you slow down and open up a bit more space for yourself.

Stop “should-ing” yourself into an early grave! Have a think about places where you might be placing too high expectations on yourself or others, and remember what’s really important.  Be honest with yourself – are there things you’re doing just for the sake of keeping up appearances, or maybe keeping others’ happy?

Perfectionism is not your friend – end of story

4: Autopilot as much as possible – don’t rely on your poor tired brain and do away with decision fatigue

Even after you’ve delegated, discarded and simplified, it’s highly likely you’ll still be left with a significant mental load list! Whatever you do, don’t rely on your poor, tired brain to do all the heavy lifting. Remember that routines and habits can be your best friend – having mundane tasks on autopilot actually gives you freedom.

Declutter, and make sure everything in your house has a particular spot – and make sure everyone else knows where that spot is.

Use calendar alerts to set reminders for anything and everything – eg. putting out the bins. This is one area where technology truly can be your friend!

So that’s it from me today. Don’t forget to find me through one of my social media channels, you can catch me on the Facebook page, join the Meaningful Motherhood Tribe Facebook Group, or find me on Instagram.

Is motherhood a soft skill?

Is motherhood a soft skill?

Do you ever feel that the concept of supporting mothers through motherhood doesn’t quite get taken seriously enough? That the people who choose to work with and for mothers somehow carry a little less weight, a little less credibility?

That personal trainers who choose to specialise in fitness for Mums are thought of as “Mummy trainers”, that lawyers who work in family law probably aren’t as smart as those working in international relations, that psychologists who support women through Post Natal Depression are “just a shoulder to cry on”, that a business coach who specialises in working with Mums who own a business is just a “Mumpreneur”, or that a physiotherapist who chooses to focus on postnatal rehabilitation probably couldn’t cut it in the sportsmed field?

I often feel there’s an undercurrent of this in today’s society – and the most frustrating thing for me, as an Occupational Therapist who works primarily with mothers, is the underlying assumption that there are better things I could be doing with my degree than “helping the Yummy Mummies”. Because the way I see it, this is the most important work I’ve done in my career so far.

At the beginning of my life as an occupational therapist, I worked in the field of vocational rehabilitation. My job involved supporting unemployed people with disabilities or injuries to find suitable and sustainable employment.

Part of the role was helping individuals figure out what their strengths were. This was often challenging, but at the same time immensely rewarding. Anyone who has been unemployed for a period of time would know how much it can impact your confidence and self esteem, and the people I was working with were often battling with the double whammy of long term unemployment and an injury which heavily affected their work capacity. Helping these people to identify their strengths was often difficult, because their confidence and self esteem had simply been eroded to the point of non-existence over a period of months, years, or even decades.
But it was always valuable work identifying strengths – because people always have strengths, even if they feel they don’t. Frequently we would classify these strengths into what we called “vocational skills” and “soft skills”. Vocational skills were those that were directly related to performing a paid job – such as does this person have a truck licence, can they use an excel spreadsheet, do they have a trade certificate? The soft skills were those skills or attributes a person possessed which weren’t specifically required for the job, but which would make them a valuable employee. For example – were they punctual, well presented, did they work well in a team environment, did they have a friendly and welcoming demeanour?

The comparative value of soft vs vocational skills has long been the subject of debate among human resource circles.

The irony is, while the soft skills are often thought less of, they are actually more important in a worker – because they better represent the true personality of potential employee. But because they don’t come with a certification or a parchment, they are often less valued and considered ‘nice to have’ but not as important as the ‘hard’ skills.

Sometimes I feel like motherhood gets treated like a ‘soft skill’ by our western society. Under appreciated and frequently disrespected.

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As a health professional working in this area, I’ll admit to initially feeling a little conflicted about choosing to focus my work in this area. How much support do Mums really need? Wouldn’t my time be better spent working with people who’ve had a stroke? Or children with autism? Or teenagers with spinal cord injuries? Or something else equally as altruistic?
Are mothers really in need of specialist rehabilitation or wellbeing support?

The short answer is yes.

When I began working with this population early in my motherhood journey I hadn’t experienced a broad range of the challenges and adversities that mothers frequently face. I had one lovely baby who fed well and slept 16 hours a day. I was truly blessed, I know that now. But around me I saw other mothers grappling with so many more difficulties than I had. Women struggling with postnatal depression, battling musculoskeletal injuries, raising children with life threatening illnesses or challenging behavioural conditions, or doing it all as a single mother. Often without much support, guidance or understanding from the broader community. The traits they demonstrated throughout motherhood included resourcefulness, negotiation, physical and emotional strength, resilience, amazing communication skills, delegation, scheduling, managing competing priorities – the list goes on. And sure – these skills too might be considered soft – but they’re not. Particularly not when they’re being implemented in the process of raising future generations.

It was then that I realised how much society treats motherhood as a soft skill. When in actuality – it’s one of the most challenging, multifaceted skills a person can possess.

From that point on I never again questioned my role in working with mothers. For me at this stage in my career, its where I feel I can have the greatest impact in my world, and the world that will one day belong to future generations.

So no, motherhood is not a soft skill. If you’re a mother please don’t ever let anyone convince you otherwise. Whenever you start to feel disillusioned and perhaps unconvinced of the role you’re playing in this life, always remind yourself of the gravity of your role. You are creating, teaching and leading the future custodians of our world.

There’s nothing soft about that.

And if you’re a professional who supports women through the motherhood experience, please always know just how important and specialised your role is – don’t ever let anyone doubt you, your abilities, or your choice to work in this field.

Until next time,

Sarah

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What you should really spend your money on as a new Mum

What you should really spend your money on as a new Mum

Instagram has a lot to answer for.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m an Insta-fan. Between work and my personal life I actually have four different accounts, but that’s beside the point…

Because here’s my gripe. As a women’s health occupational Therapist who works primarily in the field of postnatal women, this is what I see:

Women spending a lot of money on cool, beautiful, on-trend stuff for their babies, and not a lot of money on their own wellbeing.

There I said it.

You may think I’m being harsh or insensitive, but I can guarantee you, there’s thousands of other antenatal health practitioners out there who agree with me. And we’re all wondering the same thing: “Do women truly value a beautiful nursery over their own health and wellbeing?”

I saw a Facebook post the other day which mentioned that the average cost of a wedding these days was $48,000. Forty. Eight. Thousand. Dollars!! That’s a whoooooooole lot more than I paid for my wedding nearly 8 years ago.

It made me wonder how much the average couple spend on setting up their home for a new baby – how much for the nursery, the pram, the car seat? Which is where my Instagram reference comes in. We see these beautiful nurseries, those gorgeous baby outfits, the extravagant baby showers – and we think we need them. Insta-envy is real – I know, I’m not immune. We get swept up in the romance of new parenthood, in the gorgeousness of it all.

But we don’t need that stuff. Your baby doesn’t need a $50 teething toy or a $200 tutu she will throw up on within 14 seconds. What we really need is to look after ourselves. And not just in a “popping-out-for-a-coffee-and-a-pedicure-mummy-me-time” kind of way, but in a “considered-practical-meaningful-evidence-based-longterm-wellbeing” kind of way.

So it makes me wonder – what would it take to convince women (and men) to take at least part of the money they might otherwise spend on beautiful baby stuff, and instead invest it into their future physical and emotional wellbeing?

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Those of us who work in this industry see the difficulties (and oftentimes devastation) that pregnancy and motherhood can wreak on a body and a mind.

We KNOW for certain, that our services can help. We see the life-altering loneliness of disconnected mothers, the silent shame of incontinence after birth, the unresolved trauma of a labour that didn’t go exactly to plan. We see all that. And we want to help. We know we can help. But we need you to pay for it.

It’s as simple as that. There’s not a single women’s health practitioner I know who wouldn’t gladly run oodles of free workshops, classes and sessions if she could. That’s why so many of us have blogs, YouTube channels, and free resources on our websites,  But the truth of that matter is that many of us are self-employed, or work in small private practices, and the reality of running a business is that you have to charge for your services. We have to charge to pay rent, pay for supplies, pay for our extensive clinical training, and of course pay ourselves a wage – because we also have families to feed and mortgages to pay.

And this is why we get frustrated. Because we know women need help, but we continually see them spending money on other things – other than their own wellbeing. We see women paying $1500 for prams, but not $500 for a hypnobirthing program. We see women buying $300 nappy bags, but not investing that same amount of money in a few physiotherapy sessions to help restore their pelvic floor function. We see women spend hundreds of dollars per term on baby swimming lessons or gymbaroo, rather than spending that exact same amount on a postnatal yoga or pilates class.

And it breaks our heart.

Truly it does. Seeing women neglect themselves and their own wellbeing is one of the biggest frustrations of our jobs. We don’t want to see you in pain. We don’t want to see you hiding indoors due to postnatal anxiety, or shying away from jumping on the trampoline with the kids because your pelvic floor can no longer handle the task.

We want you to be strong – physically and emotionally.

We want you to be a confident and connected mother – able to take the challenges of motherhood in your stride, to celebrate the joys with fervour, all the while knowing that your body and your mind remain resilient and capable of carrying you long into your future.

We know you can only do that if you’re well. And that, potentially, means you coming to see us.

It’s our job to convince you that we can help you, but it’s your job to invest in your own wellbeing.

Here’s the question I want you to ask yourself:

“Do I really value a beautiful Instagram-worthy nursery over the long term wellbeing and function of my own body and mind?”

I say this with love, because I truly believe it – but your money is better spent on supporting your wellbeing as a mother, than it is furnishing your nursery with pretty things.

I get it. I know how exciting it is to create the perfect nursery theme, to have all the latest baby gadgets with all the bells and whistles. But at the end of the day, they don’t compare to you being well, with you being emotionally resilient, with you avoiding a lifetime of incontinence.

Here’s something to consider:

If you choose the Boori Urbane Noosa Cot for $399, over the Boori Pioneer Cot for $699 – you would save $300 – that’s three one to one sessions with a Women’s Health Occupational Therapist or Physiotherapist.

If you choose the Baby Jogger City Mini GT for $799 over the Bugaboo Chameleon 3 for $1519 – you would save $720 – that’s 12 weeks of personal training sessions with a womens health specialist PT.

If you chose a Collette Pocket and Zip Baby Bag for $79 over the Mimco Splendiosa Baby Bag for $299 you would save $220 – that could buy you four weeks of professional housecleaning while you spend that first month getting to know your baby.

Finally, just remember this – within a few years all those baby blankets will go to Vinnies, the cot and the pram will be sold on Gumtree, but that body you’re inhabiting? That’s going to be with you for a lifetime. Invest in it wisely.

Until next time, Sarah

ps. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this article – comment away or email me at sarah@bloomwellbeing.com.au

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Are you just a worried Mum, or is it anxiety?

Are you just a worried Mum, or is it anxiety?

“We can’t sell that car seat, it only has a year left until it’s expiry date – what if the person who buys it has an accident and their baby gets hurt?”

“She’s running too far ahead of me, what if she forgets to stop at the road and gets hit by a car?”

“Why is the school phoning me? My daughter must have had an accident, I hope she hasn’t broken anything.”

These are real, actual thoughts I’ve had at some point over the past few months.

I’m an over-thinker. A worrier. And yes, just a teeny bit anxious.

In my mind, these three things are pretty inter-related. In fact, feeling worry and feeling anxious pretty much exist on a continuum. And my over-thinking tendencies tend to push the needle with regard to where I am on that continuum on any given day.

Personally, my anxiety was never an issue before I became a mother. Certainly my worrier tendencies were always there, but they were pretty low-key and probably no different to most of the general population: that little sinking feeling in my belly if I ever got called into the boss’ office, or that nervous over-preparing that came with a public speaking event.

So I never identified as being an anxious person. Which is perhaps why it took me a few years to recognise my anxiety as a mother. You know that saying they have about the plumber whose home is full of dripping taps? Well that’s kind of my situation. Even though I’ve worked in this field of mental health for years, it took me a little while to realise the issues in myself – probably because they were so mild. I was used to working with people whose mental health concerns were much more compelling, and much more complex. So that led me to put my thoughts down to typical new-Mum worries. But as the years passed I started to realise that many of the quirky little thought processes I had over my six years as a parent weren’t actually your bog-standard run of the mill concerns.

Not so much the thoughts listed above, but how about this one:

“This pathway is a bit secluded, I feel pretty vulnerable. What would happen if someone tried to steal my baby from the pram here? There’s no-one close by to help, no-one would hear me scream. What can I use as a weapon? What should I do?”

This was a thought I had pretty regularly on our daily walk in our small coastal town in Central Queensland – it was hardly Gotham City, and a brazen daylight abduction was highly improbable, but my brain still went there. So, yes, in fact, I actually was meandering a bit further along the anxiety spectrum than I realised. And even though my anxiety was quite mild when compared with others’, and I certainly wouldn’t classify it in a clinical range of anxiety, that didn’t mean that it didn’t deserve my attention.

Anxiety is a sneaky little thing – particularly in emerging or mild cases. It has blurry edges and often disguises itself as something else. It’s rarely cut and dried, and it can be difficult for us to identify. We can tend to explain away our anxiety under the guise of being “safety conscious”, “over protective” or just “a little highly strung”. In fact, in our world worry and anxiety are practically state sanctioned – think of the marketing campaigns from your workplace OH&S rep: “Safety First”, or “Take Five to Stay Alive.” Or popular phrases such as : “Better safe than sorry.” Even the Boy Scouts validate our anxiety with their iconic slogan: “Be prepared.”

Of course, I’ve got my tongue firmly planted in my cheek here. But my point is that, on the surface at least, it’s far more socially acceptable to be anxious than it is to be depressed. And that’s where the difficulty begins. Everyone worries, because the world is a dangerous place. Just turn on the evening news or scroll your Facebook feed for evidence of that.

So if everyone worries – how do you know when it’s too much worry? How do you know if it’s something more than just “worry”. And what do you do about it?

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So here’s a few questions to ask yourself to help you figure out where you sit on the “overthinking vs anxiety” continuum.

1: Are your worries constructive or controlling?

What do you do about your worries? Do your thoughts help to keep yourself safe in productive and socially acceptable ways – for example, making sure you have enough petrol and locking your car doors when driving at night time, or do they force you to make decisions and take actions that diminish your life in some way – for example, cancelling or turning down evening catch ups with friends due to your worries about driving at night. One of the hallmarks of anxiety is that it impacts our ability to undertake everyday activities.

2: Do your worries go away once you’ve taken action to address them?

Worrying thoughts are one way in which our mind alerts us to danger. Generally, once we’ve addressed the worry, it will leave us, but with anxiety, the fear and worry remains, despite all the actions you take to address it. For example, your daughter, who has a peanut allergy, is going to stay with your in-laws overnight. How do you handle this situation – do you give your in-laws one quick reminder about the allergy before you leave, or do you continue to worry about it for the entire night, find yourself unable to focus on the event you’re attending, and constantly wanting to send them another quick reminder text message?

3: Is your worry in your head or in your body?

Overthinking and worrying tends to stay predominantly confined to our brain, whereas anxiety is generally felt all through the body. So are your worries combined with a racing heartbeat, sweaty temples, shaking hands, tapping feet, a surging tummy, or a tightness across your chest? Physical symptoms such as these, when unrelated to physical exertion or another illness, can indicate anxiety.

4: Does your over-thinking affect the way you function day to day?

We touched on this in point one, but there are other ways that anxiety and worry can impact our daily life – more so than just avoiding certain activities. Is your work productivity being impacted by the amount of time you spend worrying, or reacting to your worries? Are your relationships being impacted – do you find you push people away due to your fears, or feel compelled to ‘put on an act’ around others? Are you delegating decision making responsibility at home or at work due to your worries? For parents in particular, are you finding you’re not enjoying your role as a parent as much as you should, because of your worries. Or are your worries affecting the amount of time you spend with your baby or child – eg. do you avoid letting anyone else hold or care for them – even trusted family members, or alternatively, do you relinquish care responsibilities more often than you want to, because you think others can look after them better than you can?

What do do about it

Anxiety is a personal experience, and it can be different for everyone. If you’re concerned you may be experiencing anxiety the most important thing to do is to speak to a GP, your Community Health Nurse, or another health professional involved in your care. A GP will be able to provide an assessment and diagnose an anxiety or depression. They can also refer you for Medicare funded services from a mental health Occupational Therapist (such as myself), a social worker or psychologist, under the Better Access to Mental Health Care program. If you already have someone in mind you’d like to speak with you can let your GP know and he can refer you specifically to that person, as long as they are registered for the program under Medicare.

When it comes to treatment options for mild to moderate anxiety, counselling therapies and lifestyle changes are generally the first course of treatment, with best practice being attempting these prior to prescription of medication if necessary. (Please note this is general information and treatment strategies are always personalised).

As I mentioned earlier though, you don’t have to be at a clinical level of anxiety to have it impact negatively on your life. Common motherhood traits such as excessive worry, stress, overthinking and the infamous “Mummy Guilt” can all impact our wellbeing and experience of motherhood. Which is why I developed my Mindful Motherhood program – a five week online program to help mothers overcome stress, guilt and overwhelm, to live a more meaningful life. You can check it out here. We start this week, registrations are open until Friday.

“Post-Baby Body” B.S.

“Post-Baby Body” B.S.

Post. Baby. Body. 

Three little words. But a whole lot of angst.

I live an interesting conundrum through my work. As someone who works in the field of post-natal rehabilitation and recovery, I talk a LOT about post-baby bodies. But I also rail against the tidal wave of “post-baby body” messages that engulf new mothers – those messages that come from mainstream media, social media, friends, family, fitspo-instagram “experts”, dodgy personal trainers, and society at large. The sort of messages that impress upon women the importance of  “losing the baby weight”, and “becoming a yummy mummy”. I don’t buy into any of that BS. Because, it’s BS. It doesn’t matter how you look – what matters is how you feel, and how you function. #formoverfunction

When I talk about “post-baby bodies”, I’m talking about restoring “function” to our bodies after the rigours of pregnancy and childbirth. But by and large, the post-baby body discussions in the media and society are about our body’s “form”. What it looks like, whether it’s firm and perky or soft and droopy.

It’s an unfortunate truth that women face immense pressure to get “beach body ready”, almost as soon as we’ve popped out our little munchkin. There is such a strong message in the media around the importance of getting back into your bikini as soon as possible after childbirth. But why? I’ve never worn a bikini in my life, and I’m not desperate to get into one now, so perhaps I’m a bit biased. But it’s something that gets on my last post-natal wellbeing nerve. I’ve written about it before here.

The “post baby body” message is pervasive. 

Whenever I start working with a new Mum for post-natal support I always ask them about their goals. I can honestly say that every single one of them will mention something about “losing the baby weight”.

What I’m really curious about is why women feel so compelled to “lose the baby weight” as their number one priority. I get that weight loss is a goal for many of us – myself included. But I wonder why it’s so difficult for so many of us to accept these natural postnatal changes. Why is it so important to get our pre-baby “form” back super quick? And why is it more of a priority than getting our pre-baby “function” back?

So in an effort to shift the conversation, and to tip the balance in the favour of “function” over “form”, I’m sharing my list of top four post-baby body goals that are way more important than “losing the baby weight”.

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1. Restoring your posture and body alignment.

Nine months of hefting around a growing uterus does terrible things for our posture! As our baby bump grows, it naturally changes our centre of gravity, meaning that our body will frequently shift into abnormal positions to counter-balance that bump. This can lead to a completely unbalanced postnatal body – some muscles are overstretched, other muscles are too tight. We call these “upper and lower crossed syndromes”.

But it doesn’t end there! Once that little bundle of joy is out of our belly, we face the additional physical demands of lifting, carrying, feeding, handling and caring for an infant (not to mention the added manual handing of lugging around heavy strollers, capsules and nappy bags). It’s also worth noting that much of this manual handling is done in an asymmetrical fashion – such as always carrying our nappy bag on the same shoulder, or carrying our baby on the same hip. So our unbalanced, out-of-alignment bodies continue to be unbalanced and out of alignment – and they rarely get the chance to re-calibrate to a natural posture post-baby. They often need support and we need to consciously retrain ourselves back to a proper posture and alignment.

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2: Restoring your core strength – and recovering from abdominal separation

When our bellies start entering rooms before we do, it places our poor little abdominal muscles under great strain. For many women, this leads to a condition called “diastasis recti”, commonly known as abdominal separation. This occurs when all of the abdominal muscles are stretched to such an extent, that the two bellies of the Rectus Abdominis muscle (the 6-pack muscle) pull apart from each other. The ligament that holds these two parts of the muscle together (the linea alba), can stretch a great distance, and in extreme cases, can even tear or rupture. Once the baby is born, it can take some time for this separation to return to (or close to) it’s original alignment. Until it does, our abdominal strength and function can be compromised.

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But core strength isn’t just about our abs. Postnatal women also need to consider the impact of pregnancy and childbirth on all of their abdominal muscles (not just the Rectus Abdominis), their back muscles, as well as their diaphragm, breathing technique, and of course the pelvic floor. Because all of these structures have a role in maintaining our core strength and integrity, and they all need to work together, in perfect harmony, to encourage great core strength. Check out the image below, for a great representation of how the abdominal and back muscles, along with the diaphragm and pelvic floor, combine to create the “core”.

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3. Restoring your pelvic floor.

Actually, I really should have made this number one. If you don’t want to be stocking up on the Tena Lady products by the time you hit your 40s, you’re going to need to focus on pelvic floor recovery asap! I think most post-natal women understand the importance of this by now. But understanding doesn’t necessarily lead to action. And when you consider the statistics that 45pc of women still experience incontinence issues seven years post-birth, it’s clear that many women aren’t doing all they should! And for the record, good pelvic floor rehab is about more than just doing your Kegel exercises. It’s also about restoring your posture and alignment (see above), restoring your core strength, improving your breathing technique and learning how to functionally engage your pelvic floor during all kinds of activities. Yes, there’s more to it than “just do your pelvic floor exercise”.

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So, here are three of my “top four post-baby body goals”. But really, they’re actually just ONE goal. Did you notice how in each section, I mentioned each of the other two items. Because pelvic floor, core strength, posture – they’re all one and the same really. An issue in one will create an issue with all. So to repair one, we need to work on restoring them all. The body doesn’t segment itself the way we think it does. It’s one big integrated unit that should work together in perfect harmony with itself. When you figure out how your body really works – from a whole body perspective, you start to understand how best to “get your pre-baby body” back in a functional sense, rather than a pants size sense.

But what about point number 4: Learning how to accept your baby body – whatever it looks like?

Easier said than done right? I know I’m currently struggling with this personally. To be honest – I’m actually heavier now than I was at full term during either of my pregnancies. So yes, I had my “pre baby body” back – but then I lost it again. I know it’s not ideal, and there are several reasons behind it, which I’m currently working on – namely addressing the adrenal fatigue that has smashed me for these past two years. Every day is a body challenge for me. Exhaustion is a tricky beast to describe and explain to someone who’s never experienced. I’ve written before about how I so badly wanted to want to run, to work out, to push my body harder. But I simply couldn’t. It’s only really been the past several weeks that I’ve again felt strong and energised enough to start jogging again, which is a great win for me.

I lost a lot of confidence in my body through those two years, and I see-sawed between being angry at my body for letting me down, and being angry at myself for letting my body down. And of course this kind of anger isn’t particularly productive! But the one thing I can be confident of is this – even though I’ve gained weight, and lost cardio fitness in the past two years, my body has stayed functional. I haven’t struggled with pelvic floor issues, or poor core strength, and I believe I can attribute this to my postnatal recovery efforts. I put in the work in those early days after each of my babies and it’s given me a solid foundation to keep moving through this challenging body period. Because effective rehab is useful at, and for, any size.

If you’re a new mum, are you keen to know more and to start really focusing on rehabbing your “post-baby body”? If so please check out my postnatal wellbeing program, Body Mind Baby. Our next five week course is being held in Adelaide (West Lakes), starting on Wednesday June 7. You can book online here.

Please feel free to share with any other new mums who you think may be interested.

Please feel free to email me at sarah@bloomwellbeing.com.au if you have any questions.

I’m looking forward to helping you get post-baby rehabbed!

Until next time,

Cheers Sarah xx

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More than a Mother

More than a Mother

I’m a Mother. I’m also an Occupational Therapist.

And the two are more inter-related than I ever imagined they would be.

If there’s been one thing that has influenced my job as an OT more than anything else, it’s been becoming a mother.

As an OT, I’ve worked in a few different fields – vocational rehab, mental health, physical rehab, hand therapy, soft tissue injury management. But even these changes in work fields didn’t have the same level of influence over my daily work as an OT than motherhood did.

Why motherhood? How can something that isn’t even related to my job have such an impact on my career? And I’m talking about more than my decision to change to part-time work, or to need flexible hours. I’m talking about how my role as a mother had fundamentally changed the way I view my profession, the way I relate to my clients, the way I value the philosophy of OT in general.

Because motherhood is more than just birthing a baby and raising a child. It’s something else entirely. It’s what I consider to be the “greatest occupation” there is. Because for most of us who are mothers, we carry it with us everywhere we go. It’s the one role in our life which permeates all others. Once we become a mother, it changes us. It changes our physicality, our hormonal balances, our mindset, our psychology, our spirit. In essence, it changes our whole being. And from that point on, every decision you ever make in your life is influenced somehow, in some way, by the fact that you’re a mother.

I very easily could have said: I’m an Occupational Therapist. I’m also a mother.

But it doesn’t really work that way. Because, now, I’m a mother first and foremost. Even in the middle of my workday, when my children are the furthest thing from my mind, they’re still there, skipping around the edges of my subconscious.

To be honest, I never really gave much thought to how motherhood would change me. I guess I sort of figured it would change the things that I did, the structure of my daily life. But I didn’t expect it to make such a profound change inside of me – to alter how I see myself and perceive the world around me. I was completely unprepared for the upheaval it caused within me.

But I know I’m not alone in that respect. I speak to women every single day who talk about how motherhood has changed them. Women whose babies are just days old, through to seasoned grannies! Change is always the constant.

Which is why I talk about this in my postnatal wellbeing course, Body Mind Baby. Because as an expectant or new Mum, most women don’t get the chance to speak to health professionals about their expectations of motherhood – of what it means for them and how they see themselves, and how it impacts their wellbeing. So much of the antenatal and early postnatal care we receive is focused on the baby – are they feeding, are they sleeping, have you figured out what that pink rash is yet? And unless a Mum appears to be not coping, rarely will someone sit down with her for an in-depth conversation about herself.

Which brings me back to the fact that I’m a Mother and an Occupational Therapist. And just as I can’t switch off my Mum brain when I’m working, I also can’t switch off my OT brain as a Mum.

Which is a good thing, because there is sooooo much I learned at Uni through my OT studies, which has helped me along this motherhood jaunt. From human anatomy and physiology, to child development, psychology 101 and sociology. OT is an amazing profession and being an OT has definitely shaped me as a mother. For the better, I like to think.

I’m an Occupational Therapist. And that means I help people to live their best lives and to fulfill the roles and occupations within them the way they want to.

And as I said before, Motherhood is the greatest occupation of all. So I feel so privileged to be able to work with new Mums every day to help them find their feet in their new role and to figure out how it works for them and how they can best keep themselves well through this time of enormous emotional and physical upheaval.

I’d like all new Mums to feel confident having these important conversations about their own wellbeing, on a regular basis. To know that their health and needs are just as important as their child’s and that it deserves just as much airtime.
Because if being a mother is important, then shouldn’t we place grater importance on taking care of mothers?

Until next time,

Be well and Live Your Best Life.

Sarah xx

Ps. If you’re in Adelaide there’s still time to join my next Body Mind Baby course which starts on Wednesday 7th June. Check it out here or email me at sarah@bloomwellbeing.com.au for more details.

Grocery shopping on your own – and other “me-time” activities for Mothers.

Grocery shopping on your own – and other “me-time” activities for Mothers.

“Since I became a mother, even going to the grocery store on my own feels like a holiday!”

Have you ever said this in jest? Or something similar? Makes you laugh right? But pre-kids would you ever have considered a trip to the supermarket to be a bit of “me-time”? Nope. Didn’t think so.

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So what is it about motherhood that so drastically skews our concepts of “time out”, “self-care” and that all important “me time”? Why do we as mothers feel the need to be so grateful for any time spent on our own, even if it’s just to do mundane tasks?

I get the feeling that it comes down to one very important misconception: that we are only “On Duty” as mothers when we are WITH our children, and that any time we are away from our children is a break from our motherhood role.

This couldn’t be further from the truth. To explain this further I want to introduce you to a concept called “co-occupation” – which is an Occupational Therapy term referring to “the interplay of the occupations of two or more people”*.

Motherhood is the perfect example of a co-occupation, because motherhood is all about the intrinsic linking of a woman and her child. Without a child there is no mother.

So how does the co-occupation of motherhood impact us? At first thought, we might presume that the role of motherhood only occurs when we are physically with our child – “doing with” such as playing games with your child, reading a book together, eating meals together, going for a walk or bike ride: “doing to” such as changing a nappy, administering medication, or rocking a baby to sleep; or “doing alongside” – such as watching your child play independently, driving them to school, or extra-curricular activities.

These are generally the times when we see ourselves as being “On-Duty” as mothers.

But what about the co-occupations that occur when a mother and child aren’t physically together? The “doing for” and “doing because of”? Those times we fold mountains of laundry while watching our favourite TV show, or book dentist appointments in our lunch break while the kids are at school, or bake a batch of muffins for school lunches while Dad takes the kids to the park, or listen to a parenting podcast while on our morning walking, or yes, doing the groceries alone while someone else cares for your child.

These times aren’t “me-time” – but sometimes I feel like we’ve been led to believe they should be. That we should be grateful for any opportunity to relish some time alone without our children – even if we’re still doing stuff “for” them, because all time spent without our children present is equally as restful and rejuvenating.

It isn’t.

Because these things are still “co-occupations” – things we do for, or on behalf of, our children. Certainly they might have been things you would have done, or would still have to do if you didn’t have children. But now that you DO have children, tell me, have you ever managed to do a grocery shop without thinking what you need to feed your child? Or have you ever taken an hour to go shopping for yourself, only to see a million things you’d like to buy for your little one?

Even when we do things without our children present, they are still at the forefront of our mind. And that’s why it feels like you never get a break from motherhood – even when you technically “took a break”.

I want mothers to understand the difference between “time away from their children” and “time off”. Because those two things aren’t the same.

But why do you need a break? Isn’t motherhood enough?

Nope. Sorry, I know sometimes we think it should be. But we are all more than mothers. We are individuals first, and we deserve to have an identity apart from our motherhood status.

So what’s my suggestion? How can you actually take a worthwhile break?

You need to find something to do that is just for yourself – something that doesn’t classify as a co-occupation, and something that has these few elements to it:

  1. It should be something that you do, just for you – 100 percent. Not something that you do for yourself that your kids also benefit from, like baking food for their lunchboxes or crocheting them a beanie. And not something you do with your children present – such as Mums and Bubs Pilates, or coffee with your Mums group. That’s not to say you should stop these things. They’re all great – they’re just not enough!
  2. It should be something active. Now, I love passive “time out” activities – such as getting a massage or a pedicure, as much as the next mum, and they’re often touted as an excellent “me time” activity, but they’re not especially engaging. They don’t require any effort on your part, but they do give you lots of time to think about how nice it is to have time away to yourself, without the kids – it’s a kind of escapism. But that’s not the point. For me, these tasks fit into the realm of self-care, which is lovely, but they’re not as rejuvenating and fulfilling as truly meaningful, engaging activities. It’s a subtle difference between “self-care” and “me-time”.
  3. Which brings me to the third factor – it has to be something meaningful to you. We OT’s love, love, love the concept of meaningful occupation. It’s what our whole profession is built upon – the notion that engagement in meaningful activities is what makes a person truly “well” and what makes life truly worth living. But what makes something meaningful? Well that’s completely up to you. Broadly speaking a “meaningful occupation” is something you do which is important to you, or that you enjoy and which benefits your life in some way. So what is meaningful to you? Maybe it’s dancing, maybe it’s reading crime thrillers, maybe it’s bushwalking, or surfing, or painting, or running marathons, or yarn bombing, or restoring vintage cars, or playing the piano, or growing prize winning orchids, or poetry slam nights, or roller derby, or tap dancing, or surfing? It could be anything. Can’t think what that is for you? Here’s a tip. Think back to what you loved to do as a child, or a teenager? What is something you used to do and love that 21year old you would be devastated to think you no longer do? THAT’S your meaningful occupation.

Have you figured yours out yet? Do you know what it is? Then go out and do it. As much as you can, whether that’s once a day, or once a month. Find a way to fit it into your schedule. Make it a priority. Because until you do you won’t find time for it.

Motherhood is all-encompassing. If we let it, it can swallow us whole. We need to have something that reminds us of who we are – without reference to our children. Something that isn’t a motherhood co-occupation.

You matter, and what you love matters. And I’m sure there’s something in this world you love doing more than the groceries.

So go do it.

Until next time, Sarah xx

 

References:

* http://www.cmnzl.co.nz/assets/sm/8278/61/Co-OccupationWed2pm.pdf

 

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What to expect at your child’s Occupational Therapy assessment

What to expect at your child’s Occupational Therapy assessment

If you’re the parent of a child who has been referred to an Occupational Therapist for support then chances are you’re not quite sure what to expect from the process. Unless you’ve had a child undertake Occupational Therapy in the past, or have been close to someone else who has, you may not know exactly what’s going to happen in those first few sessions.

Which is why I’m creating this series of blog posts focused on the process of having a child referred to a paediatric Occupational Therapist (OT) for support. Stay tuned for future blog posts coming this week on this topic, including: “How can an Occupational Therapist support my child?” and “What to expect at your child’s first Occupational Therapy session”.

Today’s post is all about the paediatric OT assessment. The good news is, an OT assessment is likely to be the most fun assessment your child will ever undertake. Many of the tools we use are play-based, because we use play as our primary means of therapy and of understanding a child’s functional skill level. But it’s also important to remember that any time a child, or their parent, meets a new therapist it can be a little nerve-wracking, especially if you don’t know what to expect. So here’s a few notes on what’s likely to happen in the OT assessment process.

Before the assessment:

A pre-screening questionnaire:

Many Occupational Therapists, including those at Bloom Wellbeing, will ask parents to complete a pre-screening form prior to the assessment day – which you will either return prior to the assessment, or bring with you on the day. This questionnaire is likely to have questions about your child’s medical and social history and development, as well as questions about their strengths and weaknesses, and any goals you have for OT intervention. This questionnaire is an opportunity for us to gain relevant background information from the parent or guardian which will help to inform our assessment process. It’s useful for parents or guardians to fill this out in advance, as it gives you the chance to think through your answers, and it also saves a lot of time in the clinic room during the assessment.

During the in-clinic assessment:

Firstly, you should know that an OT “clinic room” doesn’t really look very “clinical” – it actually looks like a big playroom – with movement based play equipment, and a range of toys are games to engage your child. It’s a great idea to make sure your child is wearing clothes suitable for play – things that are easy to move around in and something you don’t mind getting dirty (ie covered in finger pain or shaving cream!); shorts, pants or leggings are better options than dresses and skirts to allow free movement; layers are handy in case your child gets warm during activities; and socks are a great option for hygiene, as we do a lot of activities without shoes.

Parent interview:

The OT is likely to want to discuss in a little more detail the information you provided in your pre-screening – this helps to clarify any important sections, or to perhaps provide additional information for other areas. The first session can be a little more focused on the parent and therapist talking, but future sessions are likely to be much more focused on the therapist and child undertaking activities together.

Play assessment:

It is likely that while they’re undertaking the interview with you, the OT will set your child up with a developmentally appropriate self-directed play activity. While you chat the OT will also be watching your child during this activity, to collect a bit more observations about your child’s play skills. Once the parent interview is over, the OT will then be likely to get down on the floor to play with, and observe your child’s play, more closely. They will be looking at different components of your child’s play, including the play themes they use, how they use objects during play and the creation of play storylines.

Gross motor skills assessment:

“Gross” motor skills refer to the big body movements your child undertakes. Tasks such as walking, running, jumping, throwing, crawling, dancing, rolling, sitting down, standing up and balancing all fall into this category. These tasks may be assessed through a standardised assessemnt such as the “Movement ABC” assessment, or it may be conducted through skilled observation of your child undertaking these type of tasks, and relating them back to age-based skill expectations.

Fine motor skills assessment:

“Fine” motor skills generally relate to tasks your child undertakes with their hands – including drawing, colouring, playing with small items, using cutlery, doing up buttons and zips, or tying shoelaces. As for gross motor skills, these fine motor skills might be assessed with a formal assessment tool such as the “Movement ABC” – or it might be conducted informally through engaging your child in a range of age-scaled fine motor tasks – such as playing with marbles, threading beads, playing with lego or cutting shapes out of paper.

Visual-motor co-ordination assessment:

This part of the assessment concerns how well your child’s vision and motor skills work together – you’re probably familiar with the term “hand-eye co-ordination” – and this is part of visual motor co-ordination. This task is likely to be a pencil and paper assessment, such as the Beery Buktenica Development Test of Visual Motor Integration.

Handwriting assessment:

If your child is at pre-school or school age their OT assessment may include a handwriting component. This generally consists of pencil and paper tasks, including drawing “pre-writing shapes” (eg. Lines, curves, squares, circles), and writing words and numbers such as their name, age, the alphabet, or the name of their school.

Sensory processing assessment:

The Occupational Therapist will be very interested in understanding how your child processes sensory information, which includes the five senses of touch, sight, hearing, taste and smell, as well as two additional senses: proprioception (related to body awareness) and vestibular awareness (related to balance and position in space). Difficulties with sensory processing can often create difficult behaviours for children, which can impact their ability to participate in general activities. You will likely be asked to fill in a form, such as the Sensory Processing Measure, for the OT to score after the session. If your child is at school you may also be given a form for their classroom teacher to fill out, if their sensory issues appear to be impacting them at school. Once the OT has an understanding of the sensory profile and needs of a child, it helps them to better plan therapy sessions and provide advice on how to support your child’s sensory needs in their daily life – such as at home, at school, or out in public places such as shopping centres.

After the assessment:

Assessment report:

You will generally receive a report within an agreed time frame, which outlines the results of the Occupational Therapy assessment process. Depending on your child’s needs and situation, you may be able to choose whether you want a brief report, outlining basic score results and providing brief information on goals and therapy suggestions; or a more detailed report, which more thoroughly explains the results and observations taken during the assessment, as well as more specific goals and therapy considerations. When deciding which option to choose you will need to consider how much information you might need – for example, do you need a full report to apply for NDIS funding? Or are you simply after some general suggestions on minor issues? Be aware that it is very difficult to come back and write a full report more than a few weeks out from the assessment, and most Occupational Therapy providers will not be able to offer a full written assessment report a few months on from the assessment, without re-administering at least some components of the assessment.

Recommendations and Therapy Plan:

The purpose of an Occupational Therapy assessment is to not only give you information on where your child is at with regard to their development and functional abilities, but to make suggestions for therapy which will help them to further develop in any areas where they might currently be lacking. Following an assessment and report, an OT will discuss with you the potential therapy options available, which might including the duration and frequency of treatment – eg once a week, once a fortnight; the location most suitable for therapy – eg in the clinic or at school or childcare; and the sort of activities that will provide best results, eg. sensory integration therapy, a developmental movement program, or an emotional regulation program. Remember Occupational Therapy is a collaborative process between your child, you and the therapist (and perhaps their teacher or child carer worker), so it’s important you work together to achieve the best possible outcomes for your child.

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Why is the assessment split into two sessions?

An Occupational Therapy assessment can be a lengthy process, and as such at Bloom Wellbeing we split the process over two one hour sessions. In special circumstances it is possible to complete the assessment in a single extended appointment, however we prefer not to do this, for a couple of reasons.

Firstly, although many of our tasks seem like play and fun, they can still be taxing on little bodies and brains, so we don’t want to overload your little one with too many new experiences all at once. Secondly, each assessment component is best undertaken when your child is feeling focused and content – if we try to cram too much into one session, it’s likely they may start to become tired, grumpy or quite simply “over it” in which case the assessment results might not be indicative of their true abilities. Thirdly – having a two part assessment gives the therapist two opportunities to get to know your child and build rapport with them – the first appointment can sometimes be overwhelming for your child, so having two sessions helps your child get to know the therapist, which means that hopefully by the second session they have already built a small connection to the therapist, and are more comfortable in their presence – this too gives the therapist an opportunity to see and assess your child at their best. Finally – having a two part assessment gives the Occupational Therapist time to think! An Occupational Therapy assessment covers many different areas of development, and the OT will not always know before the assessment exactly which areas of development are of most concern. Many of the assessment components interlink with different skills or areas, so during the assessment, the OT will constantly be looking for different markers or activity examples related to your assessment and child’s development. Having a break between assessment components gives the OT the opportunity to spend longer focusing on one area of development, or to introduce another assessment component they might need to add after their initial observations.

All of these reasons are also the reasons we try (wherever possible) to ensure that the Occupational Therapist that undertakes your child’s assessment will be the same OT to continue to deliver therapy services on an ongoing basis. The assessment process is the first opportunity for a therapist to build a rapport with your child. We build trust and connection in these first sessions, and this serves both your child and the OT – for your child, they will be starting therapy with a person they’ve already met, and for the OT, they will have already gathered a huge amount of information about your child which will help them plan some wonderful initial therapy sessions.

Phew! I know that’s a lot to take in, so well done if you made it this far into the post! Remember that every OT clinic is a little different – they may structure their assessments differently to how we do it at Bloom Wellbeing, or they may use different assessments and tools. Additionally, every therapist, child and parent is different, so in that respect, no two assessments are ever going to be exactly alike. But hopefully this post has given you a lot more information, and in turn a little more confidence, about what to expect when you go for your child’s assessment.

Cheers, Sarah

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The Silent Shame of the Angry Mother

The Silent Shame of the Angry Mother

It’s 3am, an exhausted, sleep deprived mother stands over the crib of her screaming infant, the baby’s cries have been non-stop for hours. She’s tried everything. Everything. She doesn’t know what else to do. She snaps.

“Just go the f*#k to sleep!!!” she screams at her tiny, defenseless baby.

A moment later, realising what she’s just done, she slumps to the floor sobbing. Ashamed of herself, scared of what she’s become.

Who is it you empathise with more in this situation – the tiny baby, whose only crime was simply being a dependent infant? Or the mother at the end of her tether?

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The answer to that question is likely to hinge on whether you’ve ever been that mother. Whether you’ve ever found yourself so completely overwhelmed, so completely under-resourced, so entirely depleted and so unwillingly consumed with rage, that you no longer feel in control of anything anymore. Least of all your tiny baby. Or your emotions.

I’ve heard it said that you don’t truly experience unconditional love until you become a mother. The same could also be said for this other of life’s most intense emotions: Anger. Rage. Fury.

Personally, I never experienced true rage until I had my own children. Certainly I got my knickers in a twist over many a situation – and I experienced anger – at myself, my parents, my partners, my family. But rage against your peers, or your elders is rarely seen as a source of shame. In fact, at those times, our anger is easily justifiable, the teenager raging against the impossibly strict rules of her parents, a grown woman crying hot tears of anger over a partner who cheated on her, an employee venting to a colleague about an incompetent boss. That kind of anger is understood and openly discussed – and in many cases welcomed – anger is good – it provokes you to fight back, to stand up for your rights, or to advocate for someone less fortunate than you. We can support, or at least understand, when a person’s anger is directed at someone who slighted, deceived, hurt or manipulated them.

But what happens when the source and target of your rage is a tiny infant, or a toddler, or any child? A tiny human whose only crime is simply crying too much, or refusing to sleep, or smearing finger paint over a wall, or losing their school hat for the 18th time this week?

How many mothers do you think would feel comfortable telling another person that they quite literally screamed at their baby, or stormed out of the room on their toddler, slamming the door behind them, or threw their child’s favourite toy in the bin, because they wanted to punish them so badly. It’s a difficult truth to face. And when it happens it generally brings with it mountains of shame, self-judgement and self-hatred. The women I’ve spoken to who have experienced these intermittent episodes of rage don’t intend to behave this way. When I’ve had women explain it to me they tell me of how they “just snapped”, and how petrified they are of something similar happening again. These are not mothers who are systematically abusing their children. These are wonderful, caring mothers who wholeheartedly love their children, would do anything for them. But they’re just not coping. They snap, and then they berate themselves for being a terrible mother, because “how could any mother treat their child that way?”, they believe they’re all alone in their rage, and wonder how it is that they became so unhinged. If this is how a woman sees herself after an episode of motherhood-triggered rage, just imagine what they believe others are thinking of them.

Is it any wonder they won’t admit publicly to this silent rage they’re feeling?

But if this is you. If you’re an ‘Angry Mother’, I want you to know this:

It is okay to feel angry at your child.

Anger is simply an emotion, albeit an incredibly intense one. But emotions are never inherently “good” or “bad” – not even those emotions commonly acknowledged to be negative – anger, jealousy, shame, resentment. We are entitled to feel and experience the broad spectrum of our emotions. We can’t really expect motherhood to bring us only joy and wonder. Anger is going to be inevitable at times. We’re only human.

But it’s what we do, how we act, in response to those feelings of anger that makes the difference.

Being angry is okay. Taking your anger out on your child (or any other person really) is not. That distinction is important.

So no, it’s not really okay to scream at your child, or to hit them, or to lock them away because you’re angry with them. I’m certainly not advocating for that. But what I’m saying is that these things can and do happen – to the best of us – but if we find ourselves in that situation, what we need to do is seek support to lessen the chances of it happening again, not hide away from it due to shame and fear.

It’s okay to admit to yourself how much anger you’re experiencing as a result of motherhood. In fact, acknowledging your emotions is the first step in dealing with them. Being conscious and mindful of your anger is one of your greatest protections against not letting that anger manifest into aggressive, hurtful and potentially dangerous behaviour.

What we need is a more open discourse on the emotion of anger in motherhood. Because it’s there – hidden away behind closed doors and walls of shame, fear and self-loathing. Why is it happening? Now, today, in our western society where women and mothers have even more freedom and rights than ever before? That’s an enormous question, and perhaps one for another blog post. But my focus for today’s post is to help women understand what’s happening inside their brain and body during these rage moments – so that they might be able to prevent them from happening again.

Anger is multi-faceted, and it’s origins are often misunderstood. The good news is that “lashing out” when angry isn’t an inevitability. To avoid it, it helps to have a better understanding of what’s behind a moment of rage filled behaviour.

There’s several factors at play when it comes to why we get angry:

1) The trigger. This is generally what we blame our rage on – that driver cut me off, my husband forgot to buy milk, my boss made me work late, my baby won’t stop crying. But the trigger is rarely enough to create a rage response in itself. If it were, we’d all be flying off the handle at any and every slight against us. This isn’t how the majority of us behave on a regular basis.

2) Our pre-existing personalities. We all know people who are more prone to rage than others, who are more laid back, more highly strung, more glass is half full, or more “the world is out to get me” – often these personality traits are set while we’re quite young, and are influenced by the events,  environments and relationships we experience as infants and children. (Which is not to say they are fixed, but personalities are deeply ingrained and not easily changed).

3) Our emotional and physical state at the time of the trigger. Our response to triggers will change depending on these factors. So we’re potentially more likely to act on our anger if we’re tired, sick, stressed, exhausted, overwhelmed, scared, anxious or sleep deprived (sound familiar? Hello Motherhood!) These factors can turn even small incidents into huge explosions.

4) The breadth of skills we have to deal with unpleasant emotions and feelings. Our generation didn’t get taught this stuff. We never had mindfulness lessons or yoga classes at school – it’s great to see this happening more and more in schools today. But for those of us born before the turn of the century, unless you’ve studied a health profession, or undertaken formal counselling or therapy, it’s unlikely you were ever given explicit information about how your emotions work – about how they can impact your behaviour. Emotions just were. Some people had more trouble with them. That’s about all we knew. But we now know there’s so much we can do to better address our anger, so that it doesn’t take control of us.

So what can you do? How can you better manage anger?

1) Improve your awareness of your anger.  Be more mindful of times when your anger appears, and start to make connections between your emotions, your thoughts and the physical feelings in your body. Awareness is the first step.

2) Do what you can to make positive steps on a daily basis. Check out this article from the American Psychological Society for “Strategies to Keep Anger at Bay”. Finding stress management, self care and relaxation strategies that work for you is also a helpful option, such as learning how to start a mindfulness practice.

3) Seek support. Be open and honest with someone you trust about your anger experiences and concerns, perhaps your partner, or an understanding friend or family member. If you feel like you need further support a counsellor, Occupational Therapist or psychologist can help provide you with strategies to support yourself.

Remember – managing your anger better is an entirely achievable goal. Even though it may seem overwhelming and especially traumatic when you’re in the grip of “mother-anger” it’s crucial to seek support – for your own sake, and that of your children, your family, and your relationships and connection with each other.

Until next time,

Sarah